Burning the Candle at Both Ends (And it Still Not Being Enough)
by S. E. Mercury
Summary: Aiichirou Nitori wants nothing more than to live up to the expectations he's set up for himself in his own head, but he finds himself unable to do so without spreading himself too thin and causing himself pain. And even then, it doesn't seem like enough for him.


**Author's Note** : I was requested about two years ago on my (now basically dead) Free! scenario blog to write "Angsty Nitori" and "Nitori interacting with the Samezuka team members," and this is what I wrote. I felt like sharing it here, since this is pretty much the only Free! fic I've managed to complete.

* * *

"Nitori-senpai, wake up! We're going to be late for morning practice!"

Aiichirou Nitori opened his eyes and blinked a few times. Books and papers were scattered among his sheets, and he scrambled to find one particular paper. After a few moments of desperate search, he eventually found the now-crumpled study guide underneath his pillow. With a small sigh of frustration, he crawled out of bed, wincing as his feet touched the cold floor.

"Do you want any coff-?"

"No," he cut Momo off sharply. While normally Nitori would prefer nothing more than a strong cup of coffee after a sleepless night of studying, he didn't think his stomach could handle it at this point. "It's not good to have caffeine before practice," he mumbled, still half asleep.

Grabbing their swimsuits, the pair headed out from their dorm to the pool.

Nitori was only half listening to Rin explain the morning set; he was still trying to blink away sleep. His eyes wandered over to the pool. The water was smooth and clear, and without a doubt freezing cold. Nitori shivered at the thought and longed to be in his warm bed.

After being dismissed to begin practice, Nitori dove into the pool, his assumptions about the temperature correct. Midway through the warm-up, his muscles began to ache. Weeks of late nights and extra practices were beginning to take their toll on his body, he just hoped it wasn't obvious to his teammates.

By the time practice was over, he feared his muscles would give way from exhaustion. Nitori knew his stroke technique was beginning to suffer near the end, but it was all he could do to simply keep going. He looked up to see Momo offer a hand to help him out of the pool, which he gratefully accepted.

While walking back from the locker room, Momo asked him if he was going to the cafeteria for breakfast, to which Nitori shook his head. "I have to study," he murmured.

Momo frowned. "Well, I guess I'll see you at practice?"

Nitori nodded, and the two bid each other farewell, heading off in different directions.

Back in the dorm, Nitori read over his crinkled study guide for what felt like the thousandth time, all but begging it to give him the information he was so desperately trying to understand. He cross referenced it with the notes Rin had lent him, fully knowing that it was going to take a near miracle for him to pass this test. English had never been his best subject.

He glanced down at his watch and with a jolt realized he was going to be late for his first class of the day if he didn't get moving. Nitori haphazardly stuffed his books and notes into his backpack and ran out the door. He managed to make it to class on time, but only just barely. He spent the entire hour running verbs in his head instead of paying attention to the lecture, which he thought was about cell production, but he wasn't certain.

Nitori had a half an hour break before his English class, and he had wanted to use this time to study, but his stomach had other ideas. He felt the sickening jolt as soon as he thought about how close the test was and sprinted to the bathroom. As he heaved over a toilet, he couldn't decide if he was grateful or not for skipping breakfast. The painful spasms shook his small body, but very little came out of his mouth. Once the retching had stopped, Nitori took several deep breaths, trying his hardest to stop the shaking. When he was confident that he would not gag anymore, he left the stall and began rinsing his face and mouth.

"You look like hell," a familiar voice said from the other end of the bathroom.

He identified Rin as being the voice's owner and gave a weak chuckle and a shaky nod in response.

"You doing alright?" There was a note of concern in his voice that Nitori was not accustomed to.

"Yeah, I just have a test. You know how I can get." He knew his smile looked horribly fake and forced, but he figured it was better than admitting just how awful he felt.

Rin frowned, obviously not fooled by Nitori's façade. "I've seen you puke because of tests before, but you never looked this bad." He raised an eyebrow. "And you seemed off at practice this morning. Is everything okay?"

Nitori looked at the ground, praying the dark circles under his eyes weren't as obvious as they felt. "Everything's fine. I'm just really worried about this test, that's all." He tried to sound like his usual upbeat self, but even he could hear the exhaustion creep into his voice near the end. When Rin's facial expression didn't change, he said, "I had better be going. I don't want to be late for the test." Nitori wasn't used to being the one who was fussed and worried over, and it made him feel uncomfortable.

"Ai," Rin called over his shoulder as Nitori had begun leaving the restroom.

"Yes?" He felt like he had just swallowed ice; he had hoped the conversation was over with him dismissing himself.

"Take care of yourself, okay?"

Nitori nodded, still refusing to meet his eyes, and whispered, "Yes, Senpai," before dashing out of the bathroom and toward his English classroom.

He was at least fifteen minutes early to the exam, which he honestly didn't mind; it gave him a bit of last minute studying. One by one, his fellow students began filing into the room, none of them looking quite as nervous as Nitori felt. He tried to reassure himself that just because they didn't _look_ nervous didn't mean that they _weren't_ nervous. He shook his head, trying to change his train of thought. He didn't want them to be nervous, but he certainly would have been comforted knowing he wasn't the only one.

As the test was passed out, Nitori's heart sank as he scanned over the papers. Despite all his studying, he knew very few of the answers right off the bat. He took a deep breath and tried to calm the shaking in his hands. He looked over the exam again, answering the ones he knew and skipping the ones he didn't. After going through the test this way – far more quickly than Nitori would have liked – he went back to the beginning and attempted the rest.

When the bell rang signaling the end of the period, there was still a rather large handful of unanswered questions on his test. Had he been more confident in the questions he _did_ answer, perhaps the knot in his stomach wouldn't have been so tight. Nitori tried his best to put it out of his mind, fearing if he didn't he would have to take another unpleasant trip to the bathroom.

He decided to stop by his room before heading to lunch in order to drop off his bag and collect his composure. Thankful that Momo had apparently headed straight to lunch, Nitori gracelessly flopped onto his lower bunk, allowing himself a few ragged breaths of sheer anxiety before forcing himself to calm down. While closing his eyes and timing his breathing, he contemplated skipping lunch altogether. Considering he had absolutely no desire to eat at the moment, he almost stayed in his room, but one thought stopped him: Momo would notice. And if Momo noticed, he would tell Rin. And if he told Rin, Rin would pull Nitori aside to have a conversation with him similar to the one they had earlier in the day. Only Nitori knew he wouldn't be able to brush off that one quite as easily. And that thought made his chest ache. So with a small groan of displeasure, he pulled himself from his bed, which he so desperately wanted to curl up in, and walked to the dining halls.

Momo was at his usual table, surrounded by equally excitable first years, by the time Nitori walked in. Once he purchased his food, the blandest he could find on the menu, Nitori sat down at a table of second years, making sure he was in Momo's line of sight. He didn't participate much in the conversation, but he decided he was glad he came to lunch; he didn't realize just how hungry he was until he started eating. He caught Momo's eye a few times and gave a small smile, causing the redhead to break out into an enthusiastic grin. He hoped this was enough to prevent his roommate from giving him any more of the worried looks he had been receiving more and more frequently.

Nitori was able to concentrate on his afternoon classes much better than he was his morning ones, as long as he didn't think about when his test was going to be handed back. Halfway through his afternoon he noticed a feeling of dread creeping up on him which he attributed to the steadily approaching swim practice. His muscles still felt far too heavy from the morning practice, and he still had an extra practice later in the evening to look forward to. If it wasn't for the fact that his times still weren't improving, he wouldn't even bother swimming after hours. But for as much as he wanted to turn in early this evening, he wanted to improve his times even more.

His muscles didn't feel any better during this practice than they had at the last; in fact, they felt even worse. His arms burned, his shoulders ached, his breathing was consistently off, and during a particularly rigorous kick set, his calf cramped up so badly he had to climb out of the pool and stretch it before continuing. But it wasn't until they began timing that he felt truly discouraged.

After finishing his 100m breaststroke, he looked up at Rin as he frowned at the stopwatch and scribbled down the time on the clipboard.

"How was it?" he asked tentatively.

"You gained a second," Rin said, refusing to meet Nitori's eyes.

Nitori felt his eyes begin to burn, and considering how tight the straps on his goggles were at the moment, he knew it wasn't from the chlorine. Using what little strength he had left he pulled himself out of the pool and walked over to where his teammates who had already been timed were stretching. Not wanting to stand out of fear that his trembling knees would give away just how tired he was, he sat down on the freezing floor and began stretching his legs. After about ten more minutes, Rin gave the signal to begin warm down, and Nitori reluctantly climbed back into the pool for a few more laps.

When everyone had finished and was heading to the locker rooms, Momo bounded up to Nitori and asked if he was going to dinner right away. When Nitori nodded, the first year smiled widely and promised to save him a seat and then hurried off to go change.

Rin and Sousuke stood several paces away, talking with some first years about the upcoming meet. As Nitori walked by, Sousuke caught his eye with an unreadable expression on his face. Nitori's stomach twisted uncomfortably. _Rin must have told him about my time_ , he thought while offering a weak smile and a small wave before ducking into the locker room.

True to his word, Momo waved Nitori over when he walked into the dining hall. There were a few first and second years from the swim team at the table as well. The rest of the hall was empty for the most part; only stragglers and members of sports teams were eating this late.

Nitori spotted Rin and Sousuke at a table with a few other third years, and he felt a twinge of jealousy that he tried to quell immediately. He should be glad that Rin was able to eat happily with his friends. Last year, with Rin's unfriendly demeanor and the fact that it was technically Rin's first year at Samezuka as well, Nitori ended up eating the majority of his meals with him. And if he was being honest, he missed that.

Fortunately, Momo interrupted his thoughts before he could dwell on them much longer. "Is that really all you're eating?" he said with a raised eyebrow.

Nitori looked down at his small plate. "Yeah," he said with a shrug. He didn't want to eat too much before his late night practice in order to avoid any unwanted stomach cramps. "I'm sure I'll be snacking throughout the night though. It's going to be another long one for me." He ended with a small laugh, hoping to put the redhead's mind at ease.

Momo didn't break his gaze, so Nitori took a bite of his food, signaling the conversation had ended. If Momo was worried, he certainly didn't let it bother him for long, as he soon began chatting excitedly with the first year sitting next to him about the upcoming swim meet. Nitori ate and listened halfheartedly to the conversation that happened around him.

When he had finished, he stood up to leave, slightly surprised to see Momo following suit.

"We hardly see each other anymore," he said in response to Nitori's quizzical look.

"That's because we're both busy."

Despite expressing disappointment in the lack of time they spent together, as soon as they arrived back at their dorm, Momo almost immediately called his older brother to tell him about the two seconds he dropped off his time today. Nitori tried not to feel so bitter as he crawled onto his bed, able to clearly hear Seijuro on the other side of the phone, who seemed to be just as excited as Momo was. He opened his laptop and spread out his history notes across his bed, hoping to write a couple paragraphs before swimming again.

When Momo hung up the phone, he immediately flopped down on Nitori's bed, causing a few of the pages to scatter. He stretched his arms and legs out, groaning dramatically. "Practice today was hard," he whined.

"Well, that's how we get better," Nitori said, his eyes never leaving his screen. "And from the sound of it, it's helping you."

Momo sat up at this, absolutely beaming. "I am getting better!" he said, bouncing up and down from excitement. "And Matsuoka-senpai said that if I keep it up, I'll probably make it onto his relay team!"

Nitori paused a bit. He wanted to be happy for Momo, he really did, but he found it difficult to stomp out the jealousy that bloomed inside of him. "That sounds great," he said evenly, hoping his tone wouldn't betray him.

Fortunately, Momo was generally oblivious to such subtleties, and this case proved to be no exception. "What about you, Nitori-senpai? How did you do today?" he asked, still grinning brightly.

Nitori stiffened at this and as brightly as he could, he replied, "I didn't get any faster." Technically it wasn't a lie; he just couldn't bring himself to tell Momo the whole truth.

"Aw, I'm sorry, Senpai," Momo said, his face falling at Nitori's words. "I'm sure you'll drop time soon though! You've been working so hard!"

He couldn't help but smile at Momo. His encouragement reminded Nitori of another kouhai who spent a significant amount of time supporting his senpai. "Thanks, I hope so too." He glanced at the time, shutting his laptop and climbing off his bed when he realized he had ten minutes until his unofficial practice.

"Where are you going?"

"To the library." Again, it wasn't a lie, as he was going to the library after. It just wasn't the whole truth. "Math test," he said when he caught Momo's confused expression.

"But we just got here," the redhead pouted. "I wanted to watch a movie."

"This weekend, I promise." Nitori grabbed his bag filled with textbooks and his spare suit and headed for the door. "Besides, you could probably stand to do some studying yourself," he teased before leaving for the pool.

When he arrived, the pool was completely empty. Recently, Sousuke had been there waiting for him, monitoring his extra practices and offering a word of advice from time to time. Whether it was because he was afraid Nitori might drown one night or because he wanted to help, Nitori never really knew. But Nitori had become accustomed to his presence and appreciated it regardless of his motives.

He waited a few extra minutes before getting in the pool to see if Sousuke would come, but as the time ticked by, Nitori decided that if he wanted to finish with enough time to study, he had better get started. For the third time today, Nitori hopped into the freezing cold water and forced his exhausted muscles to work. He warmed up with a 400 swim at a moderate pace, already feeling tired after the first lap.

Nitori finished his warm up and held onto the wall of the pool for support. He knew he shouldn't be breathing this hard already and he was glad no one was around to hear him pant pathetically, head resting against the wall. When his breathing returned to a somewhat normal pace, he took off again, this time at a much slower pace, hoping to achieve distance over speed for now.

By the time Nitori stopped again, Sousuke had come into the pool and sat down at the end of Nitori's lane. "You're in the pool," he said evenly, looking down at Nitori as he struggled to catch his breath again. Nitori wasn't sure if behind Sousuke's words he was saying _I'm proud of your initiative_ or _It's dangerous to swim by yourself_.

"Yeah," was all Nitori managed to say.

"How much have you swum?"

Nitori thought for a moment, calculating in his head. "About a thousand."

Sousuke nodded. "And how much are you planning on swimming tonight?"

"I didn't have a set goal, just until I get tired," he said with a shrug.

Sousuke frowned. "You should always have a plan."

"Yes, Senpai. I'll remember that for next time."

He made a noise of acknowledgement and returned his eyes to the book he usually brought with him to these late night practices, signaling for Nitori to continue swimming.

The smaller boy picked up his pace again, hoping to work on his speed now. He managed to swim another 200 meters before stopping. Sousuke lifted his gaze from his book.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Fine," Nitori said between breaths.

Sousuke looked down at Nitori's hands, furrowing his brows. "You're shaking."

Nitori quickly put his goggles back on and dropped his hands below the surface of the water. "I'm fine," he repeated. "Time me."

"You were already timed today," Sousuke said, his frown deepening.

Nitori shifted in place, eyes glued to the tiles at the bottom of the pool. "I want to see if it got any better," he whispered.

Sousuke's expression softened a bit. "It won't be. You're exhausted," he said matter-of-factly.

"Please."

With a sigh of frustration, Sousuke leaned over and grabbed the timer he had brought over, apparently knowing that Nitori would request to be timed again. He waited until Nitori had climbed out of the pool and onto the starting block before asking him again if he wanted to be timed, to which Nitori nodded.

At Sousuke's call, Nitori dove off the block, the cold water stinging his arms and face upon impact. He could feel himself going slower than he had earlier in the day, he knew his rhythm was off, and he couldn't believe how far away the wall seemed. His feet slipped on the wall during his turn, something he knew he would have been disqualified for had this been an official race. He chastised himself for it during his final stretch. With lungs on fire and muscles practically screaming at him to stop, Nitori pushed himself to swim as fast as he possibly could toward the approaching wall, hoping this final burst would shave a little off his time.

He looked up at Sousuke when his hand hit the wall, too out of breath to ask for his results. He studied his teal eyes, hoping they would give away the outcome, but as usual, Sousuke's expression was unreadable to Nitori.

"It's not any faster than today's," Sousuke said, clearing the stopwatch and laying it back down on the ground.

Nitori balled up his fists under the water and felt his eyes begin to burn yet again. "I don't understand," he said, trying to keep his voice even.

"You're exhausted." Sousuke stared down at Nitori for a moment before continuing in a soft voice. "You should take it easy for a couple days. We don't want you getting hurt from overworking yourself."

 _We._ Guilt clawed at Nitori's stomach; it was never his intention to worry his teammates. He just wanted to be able to swim in the relay, to have his team be proud to call him a member.

"You should cool down and head to bed," Sousuke said.

Nitori considered it for a bit, but then shook his head and readjusted his goggles and swim cap. "One more first."

After cooling down and quickly rinsing off, Nitori trudged to the library, books in hand as not to get them wet from the suit and towel in his bag. The books felt far too heavy for his arms, and he gave a small sigh of relief when he was able to set them down on one of the study desks. He cracked open his textbook and began studying the formulas for his upcoming test.

What felt like only a few minutes later, he was being gently shaken awake. Through blurry eyes he made out the kind smile and raised eyebrows of the librarian. "I need to lock the doors now. Wouldn't you be more comfortable in your bed?"

Nitori looked around, remembering where he was and mentally kicked himself for having fallen asleep. He apologized profusely to the librarian – "No need dear! I see it happen more than you'd think!" – and packed up his things and headed back to his dorm.

Momo was thankfully asleep by the time he got back, which meant Nitori had an excuse to head straight to bed instead of study more. As he lay in bed, he thought about how in less than six hours, he would need to be awake again, repeating the same exhausting routine. The thought made his chest feel tight, and so he rolled over and pushed it from his mind, not waiting long before being carried off to sleep.


End file.
